Choose Kindness

When was the last time you paused in your judgement of someone, to acknowledge their hard work and efforts within the workplace? When was the last time you went out of your way to say ‘thank you’ to your manager for an interesting project? When was the last time you sent an email to someone in a position of power, positively commending a junior colleagues efforts?

I’m guessing, not very often.

Why is this? People tend to spend more time focusing on what is going wrong than what is going right within the workplace; quick to label and find fault in others.

Labels help people make sense of things e.g. ‘she/he is a high performer, always hitting the mark every time’ versus ‘she'/he is a bit slow and needs a bit of handholding’ and navigate social interactions. However, said opinions are often subjective and influenced by one’s own social schema of the world.

Furthermore, in a fast-paced climate, everyone wants quick wins, forgetting that learning and failure are part of the process too. Sometimes, things going wrong can leave room for greater growth and success. Forgetting to see others as humans (with emotions and feelings) can create an ethos of disconnect and stress across the team and/or organisation, with individuals feeling unheard or seen; negatively exacerbating psychological safety.

So I invite you, the next time you’re agitated by someone at work or finding yourself quick to judge, to pause and meet someone with curiosity; to give empathy and to reflect on a time when he/she went out of their way to do something for you. To ask yourself, when was the last time I appreciated them and said ‘thank you’. Is it possible that they’re going through something that is impacting their attitude and/or work performance? Is this their first time working on such a project? Can I offer help or a gentle listening ear?

Sometimes pausing and choosing to see people through a lens of the heart (and not logic) can go a long way. Try it, once in a while, and see the domino effect of positivity it has on those around you. It costs nothing to choose kindness but means everything to the person on the receiving end.

What I’ve learnt through research

I have an analytical mind, I work in patterns. It’s probably why I enjoy research so much. Aggregating information (whether it be numerical or words) helps me understand things better. My detail-oriented approach might not suit everyone, but going on the journey of “what the data shows me” allows me to tell a story. In my humble opinion, the statistical analysis (quantitative) or theoretical lens (qualitative) one uses plays a big role in how the information is modelled and the story that emerges. Isn’t it powerful? That the type of analysis or theory one uses determines the output.

Research has taught me:

• To be patient and meet information with curiosity. It won’t always turn out the way you want (to the dismay or NGOs or organisations I’ve worked with) but that’s what makes it authentic.

• That there will be many days when I will want to tear my hair out from frustration (yes mum, I know I already have quite little hair!).

• To be annoyed by my inability to draft a stellar report in time. But making sense of data is not easy. You have to be in the mind frame to want to sit with it and weed through it all.

• My writing style won’t suit everyone.

• There will be good days and bad days.

• “The data speaks for itself”.

• To be balanced in your write-up.

• Redrafting is the norm (as is crying while doing it).

• It’s ok to google something or start a short course to improve your understanding of analysis.

Overall, research is great. It’s a creative outlet of sorts.

The post-it note: self-awareness within the workplace

People are at the heart of everything I do. I’ve always been fascinated by their complexity - we all come from such diverse backgrounds with different life and family experiences - and I often wonder what made someone the way they are. What unhealed wound are they enacting within the workplace? Are people aware of how they’re consciously showing up? Or are they comfortable in adhering to a pre-programmed set of beliefs?

Having worked in different environments (from universities, NGOs, and international organisations), I’ve accrued some understanding of working within a diverse workforce. Each experience taught me something not only about myself but people and their trauma. We all bring our personal baggage into the workplace. We can’t help it. To be human is to do so. For example, I once worked with a small team of five on an Education project for a well-reputed and well recognized international organisation. One of my colleagues, a hard-working young woman, came from an unconventional background, not in line with the rest of the teams. I watched her enough times to slowly realise how her belief around being “different” made her feel within the team. This would manifest through short angry outbursts, blaming someone for belittling her knowledge and generally feeling left out. She would oftentimes get upset and wonder why our manager would designate tasks that she was knowledgeable in, to other group members. This resulted in her going behind the teams back to work on said task to highlight her skill and talent to the manager. This did not create a positive ethos of psychological safety between group members and the manager. Looking back on this experience, I believe the manager played a big role in how poorly things played out. In my humble opinion, a lack of conscious leadership and curiosity grossly exacerbated the young woamn’s already crumbling self-worth and the poor team dynamics.

I often wonder what would have happened if the organisation had held workshops on self-awareness, self-love and conscious leadership? Would the dynamics between the team members have been different? Would the young woman have experienced things differently? Would there have been a stronger ethos of psychological safety within the team?

I really believe that instilling a culture of self-awareness within an organisation is key to effective and efficient work outputs, especially within a team. We all come from such diverse backgrounds (with many operating on unhealed trauma - come on, this should not be taboo to talk about) so it makes sense that there will be times when things don’t go smoothly. That’s ok. What’s not ok is feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, unable to be your authentic self or having someone show up passive-aggressively.

A recent exercise I undertook to help myself to embody more self-awareness in my daily tasks (and interactions) involved a post-it note. I found myself regularly triggered by a colleague’s communication style at work (let’s call her Eva for the purpose of this story). Her unique way of berating and belittling my outputs (or need for help) made me feel small. I found myself despairing every time I had to interact with her, flinching anytime my manager told me to revert to her for advice. I dreaded her curt “I guess I’ll spoon feed it to you”. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments of kindness but those were overshadowed by Eva’s tendency to berate. I once found myself in a group call where Eva openly told another team member that she had to actually show me how to (gasp!) use the software I had never used before. The call went silent. Internally, the young unhealed version of me was screaming. To my team members credit, she did not once let on Eva’s social “faux pas”, and, instead gently lead the conversation in a different direction.

After this, I took some time to pause and reflect (after several moments of rage and sadness) to ask myself some questions: where does this stem from? why do I need to take her communication style so personally? what unhealed wound is showing up? I then paused further, dug deeper, prayed for patience, and asked myself to think from her perspective. What might Eva be going through in her life right now to make her communicate like this? Could this be a result of her own life experiences? I mean I know so little about Eva. In trying to meet both myself and Eva with curiosity, something shifted.

So I reached for a yellow post-it note and wrote:

Let it go.
THANK YOU, EVA. I’ve made note of your kind advice.
Don’t respond in anger or anxiety. PAUSE, SUDHA.

I told my friends about this and they started laughing. But this little exercise changed my life because now, charged with my trusty post-it note, anytime I felt triggered I would look at it to remind myself of my own trigger and how I should try to speak to her. Low and behold, although not easy, it helped tremendously. Eva may not have changed but I could pause more often than lean into my pre-programmed desire to snap back.

This was/is the power of a simple post-it note and a desire to accrue more self-awareness.

However, my ease in being able to use a post-it note for help may have been made easier by the journey towards self-awareness I started in 2017. I genuinely believe that it was an amalgamation of the books I’ve read, the meditation habits I’ve attempted to create, journalling and a desire to understand myself that made the post-it note effect so helpful.

That being said, the next time you’re in a challenging situation, I invite you to pause, take a step back, do whatever grounding exercise works for you, and ask yourself: what is happening here? why am I feeling this way? what must my colleague be feeling to behave in this manner?

You won’t always have an answer and your post-it note won’t always be filled with helpful tips but it is a starting point to cultivating more compassion, self-awareness, self-love and conscious behaviour.